If you are interested in being a storyteller on the A.S.S podcast this fall, here are the dates and show themes for each date! Each show will be at The Stork Club, 2330 Telegraph Ave. in Oakland, at 6 pm every other Sunday afternoon. Please email Carey at firstname.lastname@example.org if you have a great story!
September 29th Competition: Your sex life isn’t race to the top…OR IS IT? Let’s hear about when the pure joy of human connection got eclipsed by some ego demands. Did you wrest an encounter with the football star away from your best friend? Did your Dungeons and Dragons buddies pine for the same hot nerd for years, and did anyone end up making it happen? Or perhaps you were in a competitive endeavor- law school, sports, comedy, beauty pageants- and the competition was an aphrodisiac that enabled some night time cooperation?
October 6th Fat: This show we’re exploring what it’s like look for love in a body society wants you to hate. What strategies can we use to feel cute, and lovable when magazines tell us those three adjectives can’t exist before you get to your goal weight? How can you avoid going on dates with people who can’t believe you don’t have a goal weight? And what is particularly awesome about working with a body of some substance in bed/ in love?
October 20th- Creeps: NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART. For our Halloween show we’re going full TRIGGER WARNING, and plumbing the depths of the creepiest creeps we’ve had the displeasure to know. From bosses who were way too hands on, to the fellow party-goer who told you that awful thing they did, to the suitor on the Greyhound who couldn’t take the hint when you put on your headphones and turned the volume all the way up. Make sure your psychological spelunking gear is working, cause we’re exploring some caves of human behavior which are usually unlit for some damn good reasons. You may never want to have sex again, or maybe on the other end of the cave is the light of catharsis, LET’S FIND OUT.
November 3rd- Kissing and Telling: Has humanity ever been more into radical self-disclosure? Have we ever had access to more real time info on who is doing what to whom, and how and with exactly what accessories? And what are the up and downsides to turning your sex life into art? Let’s hear about the joys and regrets of going full TMI- what fallout/blessings have you experienced from telling all your business? Has an ex confronted you on including them in your novel, song, comedy, collage, very explicit mural? Did you work through some leftover pain and come out the other end, or did you cause a little bit more? If you make art from your sex life on a regular basis, what boundaries do you use to remain kind/ keep a little something for yourself?
November 17th- Muscles: Sometimes what’s important about a person’s body is how it appears, and sometimes what’s important is what it can do. Or perhaps that distinction is bullshit, and it’s all just different ways to get hot and sweaty. Let’s hear stories about the erotic subtext/text of the locker room, how you kept it together after having Charles Atlas kicked sand in your eye, or how your dating prospects changed as your biceps began to bulge.
December 1st- Rock Bottoms: Let’s hear about the sweetness of submission from people who love to get got. When we talk about “getting screwed” as a euphemism for being hurt and made powerless by bosses and landlords, what does that mean for those of us who consider playing with powerlessness and pain a great saturday night? How do you ask for some humiliation, getting roughed up or just some very aggressive direction giving in the bedroom while establishing you still want autonomy and respect everywhere else?
December 15th Porn Performers- We’ll round out our fall season by hearing from the people who turn us on, get us off, and most importantly, keep us from thinking about how it’s WORK. What happens before and after the cameras roll? How do you get in the mood while also thinking about camera angles? What do the rest of us need to know about boundaries with our favorite porn performers?
The Awkward Sex Show, the podcast AfterEllen.com calls “a heartfelt gift to comedy”, is recording its first East Bay episode July 24th at the White Horse Bar, and we’re searching for storytellers to tell us their most Awkward sex/love/dating stories related to the theme of “Queer Theory.” This could mean stories of your hottest gender studies professor, late night Judith Butler study sessions leading to library makeouts, or the incredibly complicated romantic dramas of your student radical queer group. Let’s talk about failures of praxis after the initial joy of discovering the queer canon. Please email Carey Callahan at email@example.com. You need to be available to tell your story onstage the evening of July 24th.
I’ve been living on the Berkeley/Oakland border for 3 weeks now, and things are good. I don’t have a job or a fiancee yet (currently craigslist-ing for both). But I did plant a tomato plant AND recorded a first episode here, at Eros Safe Sex Club for Men.
Anyone who knows me probably figures I spent these three weeks having a life crisis, and that is cor-RECT, but having the first episode recorded made me feel a million times better. Ken Rowe of Eros gives some funny tips for navigating sex clubs, and talks about why Eros is so special. (Only trans-inclusive men’s sex club in the country, what what!)
Eros is in a part of town where the rents are skyrocketing, known as THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO, and they are doing a major fund-raising push to keep their space and do some renovations. They’re special not only on the trans-inclusion front, but because they very intentionally serve as a community center in addition to a place to get down. We recorded in the community room and got kicked out for the 6:15 yoga class. They also have affordable massage services, an art gallery, and host sexual health screenings. So they are a rad place with a rad mission, and you should throw some dollars their way.
Comedian/writer Josh Orr hosted with me, and we had very funny guests in storyteller Matt Matthews, Comedian Jessica Sele, and non-pro funny people Jeff, Sho, and Victor. You’ll be glad to hear that I am SOOO awkward compared to people here. Real squirmy.
There’s not an audience for this first show, but I hope to get a regular venue out here soon, so keep an eye out for that.
This website situation is also going to get a major upgrade very soon. Ch-ch-ch-changes!
So I’ve got two favors to ask of you, A.S.S. Lovers:
Hello loyal A.S.S. lovers. This is Carey writing at you. We’re about to start our 2013 season, and I’m very excited. I’m excited that Ramon Rivas will be my constant co-host, because he’s funny and his worldview is very mysterious to me. I’m excited we’ll be starting at 9 now. I’m excited for our funny topics. I’m excited for the “panel” shows we’re going to do, which have a different format from our regular shows. We’ll get some ambassadors of different populations and throw questions at them about their sex lives. Our first panel show is about bartenders, and maybe we’ll finally get the mysterious Emily onstage.
I wanted to write to you about our last podcast of 2012, which was the most awkward show we’ve had, and on this show that says A. LOT. This show was awkwardly doomed from the start. We started recording it late because there was a painting class wrapping up in the upstairs room at Reddstone where we record the podcast. Tim and I tried to get the very professional looking young women who attended the painting class to stay for the podcast and failed, because we are both awful at talking to successful looking women.
Ramon and I told our stories of New Year’s Resolutions, and then we only had one guest, who is a comedian named Nell Sinn. Now normally I would’ve mentioned the rules. I didn’t, and I guess it was because it was going to be a shorter show, and I was all off my game from the effort of talking to the artsy ladies.
The thing about the show we recorded is TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING. Nell Sinn shocked me right off the bat by making a joke about murdering trans women. I was totally unprepared. If you listen to the podcast, I think you’ll hear that he tells the joke and I don’t even say anything for like 2 minutes. And then when I do say something all I say is “That seems like an over-reaction.” Which is an obvious under-reaction.
So….the reality of the world we live in is that trans women are the focus of a lot of violence. Trans women are murdered so often, and the investigations of those murders are treated so carelessly by police departments and the media, that we have the Transgender Day of Remembrance. Friends of mine who are trans-feminine have supported me so much and so well this year, and I see how fear of physical violence, and the many “smaller” forms of violence (like job discrimination, street harassment, and the constant misgendering and dehumanization that comes at them from both the sources you’d expect- conservative assholes- and the sources you’d think could get their shit together -“feminist” assholes), create obstacles my friends have to spend their energy on overcoming rather than spending their energy on their passions. And my friends are talented and smart! The world is missing out on the amazing things my friends could create if they didn’t have to spend their time defending their basic human rights.
So…..I really let down my friends in this episode. I still think it’s an important episode to put out there, because it turns into a conversation about why Nell Sinn makes jokes that say things he says he doesn’t believe in. But look, you are gonna have criticisms of how I handle the conversation, and those criticisms are going to be RIGHT ON. And I want to hear your feedback, ok? I’d love for this to spawn conversations about how to handle people making jokes that promote violence. I was caught off guard and failed, hard.
BUT- know that the joke is about murdering a woman. Murdering a woman because for the crime of living in her body. Know that before pressing play. That’s not the kind of joke I want our listeners to have to be prepared to hear. This show is supposed to be a pro-woman space, and this episode is definitely not that.
This image has nothing to do with the topic, but popped up when I google imaged strap on and are super cute.
It’s taken me a minute to think of what to say after listening to this episode.
Not because I’m so upset, even though The Story (and you’ll know almost immediately which one it is) can be upsetting. It’s pretty dark and scary.
But I think that’s why I’m actually upset, because of how not upsetting I found it. Like, it should make me sad and angry. But instead my reaction is one of “wow they did such a good job of building up the suspense telling that” and “that was just like being walked through a Halloween radio show” and really this is probably because we are so accustomed to images of sexual violence on tv. Cop shows are nothing but rape murders and serial killers with a penchant for sex workers. I was practically relieved that the story wasn’t worse.
I tried to make a preview video for this week talking to some of the other comics down here, but the video quickly became a discussion of sexual violence, of women raping men, because they were all straight men with no strap on experience, and in mainstream culture the strap on is very much associated with unnatural violation. Which is interesting because there’s just as much violation attached to their actual dicks, but nobody goes that extra leap. The video is no good because it’s too dark and I’m drunkenly not keeping the camera still, and also there’s a lot of use of the word rape. But it was interesting nonetheless because it all seemed to make them really uncomfortable, and I don’t know if it’s because I was a girl asking, or because there’s this whole different fear of rape that white middle class straight boys are raised with that I’m not aware of, because I’m too consumed with my white middle class cis girl’s fear of it. I’m not talking about actual rape, of course everyone can be afraid of that. But the concepts around rape, the fear of it as a whole, the taboo against discussing it, the kind of innuendos and jokes we learned to be okay with. And as soon as you bring up the topic of strap ons in a group like that, that’s exactly where everyone’s mind goes, because the toy is so associated with that kind of terrible violence.
Which shouldn’t be true, obviously. There’s nothing wrong with using or enjoying strap ons. I’m just saying, that was an odd conversation for 30 minutes, especially because I realized listening to them awkwardly answer my questions, that their gut reactions to the topic and mine were the same. That striving to be open minded fighting against an expectation of the worst possible outcome. If they listened to The Story, they would also probably just be relieved it didn’t end as badly as it could of.
I don’t know exactly where this stigma comes from. I’ve had one used on me before, with another girl. It wasn’t violent or intimidating in any way shape or form. I didn’t particularly enjoy it but I’m really just a naturalist, I don’t go for toys. There wasn’t anything wrong or weird about the experience is my point, and yet despite that, the cultural disparagement is hard to break out of. I still view them as threatening, scary, even though I don’t feel that way about biological penises, even though logically I know it’s stupid.
So what I’m saying is, someone write a book about the history of the strap on so we can explore these issues.
And as for vomiting on someone’s dick, all I’m going to say is if it happens, be nice and get them some mouthwash or water right away, cause that kind of vomit stings like crazy on the back of your throat.
Love, Bridget (who is being slowly convinced by both this show and the South that she is totes more traditional than she always wanted to be, and maybe Mom was right and she should have just gotten married and had kids and thinks maybe she is a bit too gullible and open hearted to live in the Bible Belt)
This episode starts off with about 20 minutes of Ramon and Carey talking about how great our producer Tim Cornett is. He is pretty great. One time I went over his house and he offered me homemade ice cream. And apparently he’s going to teach Carey how to be a man by taking them to shoot cans of gasoline. Just so you know Carey, that’s EVERY GUY I’VE DATED EVER.
Next, they make sure you understand that no matter how Carey shows you how to fist someone, no matter how drunk they are, it is NOT the same as punching someone in the vagina OR noodling for catfish.
I’ve been noodling for catfish (please see above comment about men I’ve dated), and it’s terrifying. If vaginas were weird muddy trenches with strange barbed prehistoric fish hiding in them, I would have absolutely nothing to do with this episode.
Gloving Versus Fisting. Carey likes that it implies wearing actual gloves. To me, it conjures this very Clockwork Orange scenario that I have zero desire to describe for you or dwell on anymore. Cause we know how I feel about this subject.
Black rubber gloves is not making this better. Black leather gloves just sounds unclean. Like, dead animal flesh INSIDE you? You would never get those stains out, which I guess is kinda hot if you can get over the morbidity of it, but every vegan person I know just stopped reading this.
Also Carey and Ramon talk for like 40 minutes before they get to stories. Oh my god you guys, hurry up.
These are the Ben Wa Balls that Carey bought for the prize. I totally want them. I have this strange obsession with my kegel muscles being as strong as they possibly can, like some day I would like to be able to hurt someone’s dick by coming on it. I have managed to accidentally push out someone’s dick before, but I just like to think of that as my body’s natural defense system to prevent getting pregnant from douchebags.
Are the 2pm BET Slow Jams the male equivalent of Xena: Warrior Princess? I feel like this is an important topic that should be discussed further.
Okay, so first up we’ve got a former sex educator explaining the correct motions for a textbook fisting. Something about balloons inside your lady bits or prostrate bits. Carey gets way too fired up about Smith college, maybe they should think about taking the show there for a traveling episode.
Passing out Barbie and Captain America valentines day cards with my name and number on it is EXACTLY what I am doing this February. Only I’m going to use Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Ones, and only the Donatello ones. I think that’s more personal.
Ollie, I’m stealing that. But okay, so Linda Blair voices and flailing limbs, and Ollie broke all the fingers, but not the way you think…
Alright, I’m gonna let the rest of this episode be a surprise.
Bridget previews next week’s episode of the Awkward Sex Show ( @AwkwardSexShow) Even though she realizes how unlikely it seems that this is really the first time she’s seen fisting, she swears she can only remember dildos and dicks, either because she doesn’t watch lesbian porn a lot, or because she has blocked out the memory. Either or.